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It’s best to think of the Kentucky Derby as one mammoth video game, and yourself as the actor involved.ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: AVOIDED STAMPEDE, FIND EASY DANTE’S INFERNO METAPHORThe infield tunnel by Churchill Downs goes beneath the track itself. On a rainy daytime favor Saturday, pedestrians gush into it, fleeing the infield as the shelter of the grandstands and paddock, a slow march of cattle towards the slaughterhouse of the bars. There’s the ten USD mint juleps served surrounded glasses heard dropping every now and then onto the sidewalk the betting windows open like the money-sucking holes they are, the liquor the couples arguing, the fat men with cigars waiting among line strangling racing forms within their hands, the smell of piss,rainy bricks, horse shit,cigarette and bourbon in the pavement.You must go down into the tunnel to obtain among the two. In some metaphor, one side namely hell and the additional is some class of purgatory, but the specifics obtain sleek while the mass drinking kicks among and you opportunity more concerned almost a latent Chinese fire asylum situation amid a mass of folk growing impatient. “Push. SOMEONE START PUSHING.” I edge approximately The man saying this namely braying donkey-drunk, wearing a baseball cap turned backwards, and looking approximately to discern if anyone’s seconding him. No one does. The folk nearly him hack their eyes by him warily. If they have guns, their hands might be aboard them. I’m never getting surrounded their access Stampedes are for cattle.I’ve traveled to Kentucky with Mr. Chen, my rental Chinese high teach gambling protege for the weekend. He looks concerned.”There are many people here.”The person who lives surrounded the maximum densely populated collection of urban centers among the world namely concerned about the press of people within the tunnel. I acquire chipped among the Achilles’ Tendon forward something pushing from behind.The stampede, I think. This is when I dead I’ll dead clutching my carnie barker’s hat crushed among the drunk women surrounded sundresses in front of me and the beefy frat boys back me. If this only involved the right women in sundresses this wouldn’t be a totally unwelcome death, but I have no alternative among the matter. I’ll die crushed surrounded the sordid throng fifty feet from safety. The folk with money within the grandstands longing watch as this trough compacts us into a horrible slice of compressed human canned ham. But I can perceive your underwear, ma’am. Please memorize that,matron standing over the ramp prefer a foreman watching pigs go down the slaughter chute: I died seeing your panties, and so did each other swine within this trough, and that has to be some kind of retaliate within the face of imminent death.No stampede comes. An 80-year-old petticoat in a motorized scooter smiles up by me. I haven’t dared death once today. The 80-year-old female amid a Tennessee Vols t-shirt who drove a motorized scooter into the infield by the Kentucky Derby,instantly.she’s doubling down on death meantime the vacation of us have merely put one across the board two USD wager aboard danger. She smiles, I step left, and she barrels forward favor a belligerent, blue-haired snail.She slowly knocks her access uphill. We await in the rain.ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: MAKE PLANS FOR LUCRATIVE CHINESE HORSE RACE OF THE FUTURE In the infield, there’s not real racing to discern Wade through the orange-brown mud as ten minutes,tread over total strangers’ tarps, coolers, and occasionally their prone, drunken bodies, and you ambition obtain a solid five seconds of horses running according the rail. This namely hard to explain to Mr. Chen, the Chinese exchange student we have brought to the Derby this annual “Where are the horses?””On the alley””Where is the narrow””Over there.””Why are we here (points to infield) and never there? (points to grandstands)””Because we have no money, Chen.””Then why are we gambling?””To tell money, Chen.”This makes sense to him. He needs to disburse attention to these things whether he namely going to take the Derby back to China, our fashionable business plan as financial success,fast dollars, and an easy path to glorious Oriental damage My attorney–not a graph of discourse but my actual attorney–nods as he drinks Firefly Vodka from the flask among the parking lot pre-race. “The jockeys ambition forever smoke””The horses will cigarette””Someone ambition enter aboard a motorcycle,like ‘No, it’s a horse. Special propagate.'””JATO packs aspiration be involved.” “If we’re doing it right,yeah JATO packs always approximately”Chen namely here to learn Before the daytime is over, I will have shown him always that is America: women crying out their mascara arguing with their boyfriends, million USD horses being wager aboard onward two USD people two USD folk pouring ten USD bourbon cocktails into their bloodstream at alarming rates, women among Harvard t-shirts leaping belly-first into mud pits, and the joys of parimutuel gambling. He’s 15, and overdue for a suitable education.The China Derby,notwithstanding is going to be huge I am accepting investors immediately, and promise a return aboard investment former approximately 2018.ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: BONUS AWARDED FOR NOT DRESSING LIKE A TODDLERMr. Chen but knows what you clothe up among for the Derby,even if you are equitable circling the infield forever day favor a lonely lost electron orbiting a core of slime,filth alcohol, and discarded betting slips. This is a carnival: outfits are necessary by compact something everyone save Midwesterners seemed to grasp. Instead, they seemed to think “Oh, it’s a sporting occurrence so I better let everyone at a horse marathon know I’m a Cubs fan.” Add in the requisite cargo shorts,pearly socks, and sneakers, and always you need namely a beanie and sippy glass to tell it look favor giant mutant toddler day by Churchill Downs. You are the cause the Chinese own the world immediately because you refuse to do your homework favor hardworking Chinese go-getters like Mr. Chen who ask: “What ought i dress Are their traditions,cheap cowboys jerseys? Would I be a heel whether I showed up among gear completely unrelated to the occurrence Next yearly,interest depart the Ohio State jerseys by family and wear a curse node and fancy pants. I promise it won’t acquaint you gay, and you won’t watch favor one overgrown toddler anymore.Additionally, the beauteous women within hats and dresses may disburse attention to you.ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: TAUGHT UNDERAGE CHINESE YOUTH HOW TO GAMBLE ON HORSESThis namely forever a disastrous fancy from the begin of course: Being underage, Mr. Chen can’t go to the window and bet He can,however,recommend a wager and afterwards among an unrelated matter hand me two American dollars out of the charity of his heart. I can go acquaint that wager aboard my own agreement and then out of the kindness of my heart share the full value of my winnings with Mr. Chen. My grandfather would do this with me, so it’s one doing of deep affection, and filled with the memories of sayings only a horse trainer could share with his 8-year-old grandson,cheap seahawks nike jerseys. “Always bet aboard the 1st grey filly across the line.””A paint ain’t never won nothin’ but the paste medal””Go obtain Granddad a beer Tell ’em I sent you. No, you won’t need ID.”Mr. Chen asked important questions from the start even at breakfast by a Clarksville, IN Waffle House that a m.”Why does the dialysis clinic have a sign saying “No guns or dogs?for instance.”Because people surrounded Indiana bring guns and dogs with them everywhere,” I said.My attorney added: “Or dogs with guns.””Right. Indiana. It’s full of adventure, Mr. Chen. Remember this.””Right.”The Waffle House waitress asks us where we’re from. She finds out we’re taking Mr. Chen to the Derby.”So, you brought him here to teach him erroneous things?”Looks fly around the table.”Um.yeah ma’am. That’s what we’re doing here.”ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: INITIATE RUIN OF PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF CHINAWe could not have had a more auspicious beginning, either: the Oaks aboard Friday came with brilliant blue skies and clean racing on a flat narrow The Oaks namely more of a locals’ thing, meaning the debauchery is generally done among folk who know every other creating more of a Mutually Assured Destruction accomplish among the participants. Detente namely the rule and one can hike amongst the infield without seeing one bare ass alternatively teetering drunkette amid heels lurching dangerously close to a foot-deep slime sump amid a $400 clothe It made as a fine tutorial. I reviewed the basics with Mr. Chen as my attorney sipped E&J cognac from a hip flask. Win,location show; odds; exactas, trifectas, and superfectas; and the maximum important lesson, that all of this was as random as death and not at all as certain alternatively bankable.He studies the contest form.”This exacta box Can you win?””Well, I could. But I won’t.””Then why position the bet””Well…”Because of wiring, Mr. Chen; because something in the manic-depressive, ADD-prone brain craves the kind of hellspawned thrill of the random; because sometimes even when you lose the thrill of gambling something floods amid and tells you that antagonism chilly mathematics and facts the after contest the quite afterward marathon,ambition be the one you crash as a absurd quantity of money; because that is the inheritance, Mr. Chen, and it’s what we must go with here.That is the long answer, of lesson.”Because it’s recreation”He nods and understands. How did I pedal this lesson virtually the irresponsibilities of gambling to Mr. Chen? By hitting a carton exacta aboard the Oaks, turning $30 into $150, and jumping approximately like a little girl with excitement afterwards meanwhile putting two dollars across the embark aboard a winning horse as him,also,”Do you win each period””Today? Yes, Mr. Chen. Today we win each duration”We are teaching him horrible things. It is my birthright, and to beyond international cooperation i bequeath part of it to him. This is how you win a budding cool war: infect them with bad habits, give them money, and watch them squander it aboard big cars,hideous houses, and gambling sprees. They’re human. It’s only a matter of time before they begin eating themselves to death and blowing the mortgage on a sure thing among the seventh.ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: PUT TIMESTAMP ON DEATH OF DERBY CRUISINGMr. Chen and my attorney linger within the inn to watch a Donnie Yen movie it’s something virtually the Japanese being malign and the Chinese being unholy assbeaters who nay to concession to the Japanese. Lacks any basis amid historical reality. Has lots of knee-breaking and face-punching. Historical reality namely clearly access overrated.I obtain amid the automobile with my brother to perceive if anyone is still Derby Cruising. Wealthy and wannabe millionaire Louisville goes African tangle on Friday night, but West Broadway polishes up the whip and drives slow.alternatively along least they do when the police don’t pile two cruisers on each corner. The cars glower among the dark with impartial their hazards on; policemen lean aboard the hoods, pushing lingering vehicle forward. After a few blocks businesses tick by among manifold permutations of the same four establishments: automobile wash,knit salon, gas station/chicken joint. “I think we need to eat at that fowl joint.””Which one?””The one then to the fasten salon.””You mean the one onward the automobile wash?””No, the other one according the bind salon.”A few African guys gamely crank their stereo along a tattoo parlor. Ear-bleeding clamor rattles the windows of the car Effort is here, but the street’s die the night ahead the Derby. The open invitation ball aboard West Broadway has, without any official notice, been cancelled. ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: AVOID THE EMBRACE OF MUD PEOPLE”May I take your image gentlemen?””Sure, man.”[click]”Hey, you look favor you could use a hug””No,not I’m agreeable Seriously, I’m good””No, man, you need to feel some Derby love–“Reporter in plaid jacket dashes into spectators chased along two muddy men with beards and headbands.ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: WITNESS CRYING GIRLSSomething virtually the act of gambling and drinking breaks some juvenile female consorts. This happens in Las Vegas frequently, and too at the Derby, where unstable juvenile women, overwhelmed according their boyfriend’s gambling losses, the three lofty mint juleps coursing amongst their bloodstream, simply breakdown into piles of weeping big-hatted goo aboard the pavers within the grandstands meantime their girlfriends circuit her favor a team of protective chimpanzettes.They need them,likewise For each man who jettisons his incoherent sobbing girlfriend, two jackals wait impartial outside the perimeter waiting to offer their shoulders to call aboard the solitude of a 15 min of a roadhouse apartment to share the weekend and possibly love itself, and then the courtesy of stealing her wallet and sticking her with the incidental charges meantime he and his bros impede out early and abandon her hung over and befuddled in their tavern suite Circle up, chimpanzettes. Circle fixed whether you deficiency her to live.ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: BROS IN BRO-COSTUMES UNLOCKING ENDLESS ACHIEVEMENTSBros across the board showed out aboard Sunday. A analyze of their Derby bro-manticism follows.Bro went the Charlie Brown silks path Bro earns major in-game bonuses as this.Patriotic bro went the patriotic bro way but bro loses points as backwards baseball cap and no Derby flair.Top crown bro namely awarded points for top hat and for growing his own bridle and reins among the form of goatee.Awkward jockey bro is awarded one point as every inch of height dressed surrounded well coordinated jockey kit Your correspondent is 5’11”. We are going to need a lot of points, and to acquaint sure this man never, ever attempts to contest a horse competitively. Unless his ride’s a Belgian draft horse, that horse ambition be running on six legs.Bro went multiple plaids. Bro did never rip the space-time continuum itself, which namely one ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED as him,likewise Additional bonus as turning the lady’s brain which namely the whole point.Bro: Hey, you wanna take my picture?Me: Yes. That would be comely May I?Bro: Why are you even askin’, man?Me: [click]Bro: [getting aggro] WHY ARE YOU EVEN ASKING MAN JUST TAKE IT—Reporter amid plaid jacket dashes into crowd chased along man surrounded jockey bodypaint.Superbros get super points as crazy bro coordination.Gumby bro earns points as effort, but loses them for not anticipating sweaty grief of being Gumby bro for a daytime.Older veteran bro namely awarded points for disturbing horse brain crown.Even older bro went with the Bert Sugar “ancient gambling bro”outfit”Ancient gambling bros”trash Churchill Downs. They lean aboard iron advocate beams holding wrinkled racing forms and wearing ill-fitting suits with coordinated hats and watch chains. “Ancient gambling bros” may be a cautionary anecdote as the juvenile,alternatively they may be a shining example of a life well-lived. It’s so hard to tell,actually.Infield Cowboy bro loses points as.well, everything,actually.This bro presented without annotate.ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: HAT AND SUIT BRO WINS LIFEThe 1st phase I went to Churchill Downs it was 1980, and my grandfather, a horse trainer, led me down into this pit favor Virgil guiding Dante amongst the Inferno. I remember distinctly seeing a man who struck me by the duration as being the coolest man I had ever seen. He was a leathery African dude,by least fifty years age and was wearing a ruddy leather suits: red pants,red jacket amid the long Shaft hack a African shirt open to at least his clavicle, a huge black belt and matching ruddy fedora. I would depict his shoes, but they were indescribable and excellent like the face of god wafting out of the open Ark of the Covenant. He smoked a cheap sweet cigar I immediately grant as most likely a Swisher Sweet.Until Saturday, that bro occupied the throne of “coolest bro ever.” I am fearful he has been replaced according this man.ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: AVOID MUD PEOPLE ATTACK TWICE”Wow. Where did you get off on the wrong foot to acquire this dirty?””We’re from Harvard.””When you mar this nation with disgustful ideas, afterwards,ambition you still come back to coil among the slime by the Kentucky Derby?””I think you need a embrace””No, I’m–“Reporter among plaid jacket throws cigarette bombard dashes into audience chased onward two muddy women surrounded sports bras and tank tops.ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: TAUGHT ABSOLUTELY NOTHINGThe infield was well past critical mass at this point. Mud. Half-collapsed tents. Garbage piling up within randomly scattered mounds. Squadrons of rats abducting the small,languid and hopelessly drunk. A petticoat among full regalia, touring as a spin through the infield from the grandstands, slipped among the mud among front of me, her dress completely flying up, her crown spinning into the mud favor a doomed frisbee. Her companions turned slowly to her, glass-eyed and indifferent from alcohol and fatigue.We finished up watching the eleventh race–the Derby–standing along the televisions by the betting windows back the grandstands. I had Super Saver across the embark because Calvin Borel kept running the rail always day and even my bourbon-soaked brain recognized this was a far better bet than my usual “That name sounds fine bet I collected my ticket. We slid into the stream of exiting hats and suits streaming out of Churchill Downs.”Was that recreation””Yes. Very recreation””Did you study anything?””Yes.””What did you learn”Mr. Chen paused. This ought have been easy. What wasn’t there to study,juvenile man? You learned to gamble. You theoretical that while given money and horses,folk can realize the miracle of setting flame to money without using a single match. You saw America,mercenary liquor-sodden America on holiday throwing away half-eaten sheet cakes and whiskey bottles among the medium

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